a long time since i last touched the com to blog.
had been thinking a lot a lot a lot these few days.
tried to use shoppings and other ways to stop myself from thinking for even A MOMENT.
still, all did not bring much help.
i'm still here. the grades are still here.
everything moves on. but im still HERE.
that's right.
the world won't stop moving just because of my sadness.

when i took back my result slip,
what shocked me was my grades.
i did not expected myself to do so badly.
NEVER.
disappointment. heartbroken. lost. helpless. worthless.
a mixture of feelings. it's horrible.
i was really at a lost. really.
my dreams. all shattered.
what pains me was despite all my hard work, im still not able to show actual proof to others i can do it.
what made me lost was i did not know which route to head.
what made me felt helpless was, i did not know how to face my family, especially mum.
i had no courage to face the reality.
i totally shut myself off from the world.
i ignored calls and msgs.
crying was the only thing i could do to "make myself feel better".

but.
even if i were to cry til the sea runs dry,
even if i were to cry til my eyes bleed,
my result cannot be changed.
cannot and never.
the f-king grades will still be there.
no matter how much tears i shed,
i cannot change my grades. cannot.

my result is fixed. but the later part of my life is not.

yea. this o level is just my instant performance.
but really matters is the journey.
i already gave in my best. what's there to cry?

however, do you guys know.
it's difficult to pick myself up again after being thrown from such heights.
it's even difficult to believe in myself again that i can do it.
it's difficult.
it's difficult for me to believe the fact that i can fulfil my dream someday.
it's difficult.

to dare to dream again.
to accept the fact that my grades are fixed.
to accept critism from others.
i totally had no idea on how i should overcome all these.

whatever it is, to those that critized me,
no one can f-king prove my worth except me.


everything starts and end with daimoku.

tml will always be a better day for me(: